hella (s)tuff

Switching to Tumblr

2010-03-05T00:21:00.001-08:00

http://emilyheller.tumblr.com
I'm a follower. Be mine.

Leno's back

2010-03-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

...And the Hulu community is being real passive aggressive about it.

HOLY CRUD! $5 Show at the Grand Lake??

2010-02-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

New Blog

2010-02-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

By popular demand, I have another blog going for a project I'm doing called Sex Talk with Kaseem. It's where I "interview" Kaseem Bentley (i.e. he talks for 3 hours straight and I jot stuff down). Posting sporadic excerpts of his rants here: http://sextalkwithkaseem.blogspot.com

SHOWS SHOWS SHOWS

2010-02-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

Hey dudes - Just a quick post to say there are a ton of really awesome shows coming up this month in SF, the east bay, and Santa Cruz! So many that I'm having a hard time figuring out how to promote all of them, so I will just say: check out my calendar on the right, and contact me privately if you want to know more about any of the shows or want recommendations for what to come to! But a quick geographic breakdown:

CASTRO/MARKET:
Marga's Laugh Party - Feb 10 at Cafe du Nord - Inaugural comedy show/dance party with tons of ladies and others, plus a DJ! - 8pm

SOMA AREA:
Things We Made - Feb 6 & 20. Legendary alt-comedy variety show with lots of my favorites! - 10:30pm
Monday Night Foreplays - Feb 15 & Mar 1. All female sketch/variety show produced by PianoFight! - 8pm
All those shows are at the Off-Market Theater, Mission & 6th.

MISSION/PORTRERO:
Speech Therapy Comedy - Feb 5. at Il Pirata - Headliner Sammy Obeid, who I encourage you to come and degrade - 9pm
Made in the 80s - Feb 25 at the Dark Room - Young ass comics in 80s costumes! - 8pm

WHARF:
Ladies Night at Castagnola's - Feb 9 - Stand up showcase - 7:30pm

DOWNTOWN:
SF Clubhouse - Feb 27 - Stand up showcase - 9pm

EAST BAY:
Grand Lake Theater - Feb 22 - not sure on all the deets of this one yet! But it's stand up wtih a bunch of funny Portland folks
Layover Comedy - Feb 22 at the Layover in Oakland - FREE!

SANTA CRUZ:
Comickaze at Kuumbwa Jazz Center - Feb 28 - With Brent Weinbach, Brendan Lynch, Joey Devine, and DNA - 8pm

WHEW, thank you much for reading this far. Contact me privately if you want suggestions!

Let's get real

2009-12-13T13:42:00.001-08:00

My sister is watching the series premiere of MTV's Jersey Shore:
1:41:33 PM Marielle Heller: this is so much realer than my life

Could you do me a favor

2009-12-01T15:29:00.001-08:00

3:28:37 PM Alex Koll: could you do me a favor and look up Des'ree's website
3:28:45 PM Alex Koll: and tell me if its in chinese

Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T23:52:00.000-08:00

Hey Everybody,
Uh oh. Starting with incorrect capitalization. Now I Have To Keep It Up For The Rest Of The Post.
Maybe not. Anyway. In case you missed it, here is the amazing Thanksgiving video me and my brother made:
http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/ThanksgivingJam

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Turksgiving Gobbledown. We are getting up at the poopcrack of dawn tomorrow to drive up to beautiful Auburn, CA to have din din with my Grammie Betty who is now in her 90's, which means she is finally getting into flannel, Kurt Cobain, and Clinton. Just kidding. She has always been into Kurt Cobain. Since, like, 1924.

Interesting fact about Auburn, CA: the Auburn State Recreation Area or ASRA as the dorks call it is home to more endurance sports than anywhere else in the world, so naturally it is my favorite place to go for binge eating followed by scrabble and napping.

I love you all, and I am sorry that I pretty much never blog. One day we will look back on this time and laugh, although I don't really know who you are.

And if anyone is in the San Francisco Regional Recreation Area this weekend, come check me out at the SF Clubhouse Friday and Saturday nights at 9 pm!

WOO

2009-11-06T14:31:00.000-08:00

I'm officially the 2nd funniest lady in San Francisco!!!! Read all about it:
http://www.metroactive.com/metro/11.04.09/cover-women-comedians-0944.html
And congratulations to JANINE!!!

oh noooo

2009-10-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

I love video chat because it can take pictures of what you're saying EXACTLY!!!

Microblog this!!!

2009-10-23T11:44:00.001-07:00

11:40:32 AM Chris Garcia: i have really great purple silk pants

Who wants?

2009-10-22T15:16:00.001-07:00

So I will be competing in the final round of the SF Women's Comedy Competition on Nov 4. That's a Wednesday. It's at the San Jose Improv and I have a bunch of free tickets. Who wants to come? The amazing Jackie Kashian is headlining and it's me and 5 other of the funniest ladies in the bay going head to head.

Additionally there is a Betty Boop outlet just down the block from the Improv, but I'm pretty sure it closes kind of early. Lemme know!

diggin

2009-10-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am enjoying this music video by college homie Max Serota a lot, for a bunch of reasons, not the least of which being his moves remind me so much of my coworker Andy in the trippyest way!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5koviwhrso4

Dad

2009-10-19T09:42:00.001-07:00

9:41:23 AM DAD: I like the lesbian joke you used to do..about chafing your balls
9:41:26 AM DAD: brb

For the record

2009-10-11T21:45:00.001-07:00

Thanks to everyone for coming out to my birthday show last night and especially to the folks who performed and a double especially to the dudes from Minnesota and a triple especially to my dad & brother who ruled it. And if you have pictures of the show, please send them my way. And if you have pictures of the after party, please delete them ASAP.
Love,
Emily

Enter the Crystal Bridge

2009-09-18T14:01:00.001-07:00

So... how to start. I look over at coworker Andy sitting at his desk in tears laughing. After a bit of prodding here's what I find out:
- Andy used to live in Santa Cruz
- He moved to Iowa for a couple years and his parents rented out their house in SC to a musician
- When they came back, musician dude gave them one of his album
- It was hilarious
- Andy lost it
- Andy found it... on the internet!!!!

http://www.thecrystalbridge.com/Catalog/NatureBrings/01DanceOfLife.mp3
"Hello everybody and welcome to the Crystal Bridge - songs for the journey! Grandmother spider has woven a wonderful web and we all play a part in this dance of life!"
It's like a hippie B-52s - bad synth and nasally narration.

That's the first thing he sent me... and yes, it's amazing, and a wonderful introduction for the rest of the website, which is a real treasure trove. I recommend taking some time this afternoon, getting situated at your computer with a cub of yerba matte and your spirit animal and exploring thecrystalbridge.com. A couple other sweet album covers from his catalog, but there is so much more to see, if you'll only look:

WHAT?!?!?

2009-09-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

SOMEONE CALLED ME GRUMPY TODAY. Not true. Here are some this that I AM:
- Jumpy
- Lumpy
- Dumpy
- Humpy
- Stumpy
- Chumpy
- Pump(kin)y
- Bumpy
- Sleep deprived
- At work
- Feeling guilty about not blogging in a while
- Rumpy
BUT NOT GRUMPY!

TOMORROW!

2009-09-16T17:27:00.001-07:00

So special!

2009-09-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody,
Due to the unprecedented response to my Childhood Scans series I've compiled the top 20 or so selections of my childhood works into a compilation I'm calling "Special: Selected writings of America's greatest child (me)". I'll have it for sale at shows or if you see me in person elsewhere I'll try to have one on me. They are $5 since they're in full color. I'll try to have them for sale online soon but also maybe we can work something out if you want one.
Sick!
Emily

Work chat

2009-09-04T15:05:00.001-07:00

My coworker observes that I have changed the name of my iTunes music library from "Emily Heller's Library" to "Emily Heller's Penis Library":

3:02:21 PM Emily Sims: your penis likes NPR a lot
3:02:29 PM Emily Heller: hell yayr
3:02:35 PM Emily Heller: those are some good penises
3:02:38 PM Emily Heller: they goin in the LIBRARY
3:02:48 PM Emily Sims: wait wait dont tell my penis
3:02:58 PM Emily Heller: hahaha
3:03:05 PM Emily Heller: the sound of young american penis
3:03:16 PM Emily Heller: flappin' in the wind
3:03:43 PM Emily Sims: your penis and my dad love lake wobegon
3:04:04 PM Emily Heller: a prairie home compenis

Childhood Scans #5: Dear Mari

2009-08-30T00:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've run this one by all members of my immediate family, and no one has any idea what the hell this is all about. I don't know if I wrote it, though there is some evidence to show that I did.

First of all, when I retrieved it it was among all my other papers, and not my siblings'. Second of all, it IS written from my perspective - I DID use to take baths with Nathan, my older brother, and I WAS known to go poopoo in it sometimes, much to his chagrin. Third of all, it's addressed to my sister Mari (meaning she didn't write it). Fourth of all, it appears to have been written with the computer program 'Reader Rabbit,' of which I was fond.

Evidence to the contrary is substantial, however, as well. First of all, I don't remember bragging to my older sister about all the dumps I was taking in the bath with my brother. Second of all... IT'S SIGNED BY BABE RUTH.

So, you decide for yourself. I personally think it's fairly obvious that the ghost of Babe Ruth possessed my parents' computer and printed out this message for my sister. BUT I'M NOT IN CHARGE OF WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THIS.

Childhood Scans #4: What is Life?

2009-08-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

This could have been a very nice piece of writing... were it not an assignment for science class. I have been a bullshitter for a while, apparently.

Childhood Scans #3: Time for Fun

2009-08-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

This is a song I wrote... probably around 5th grade. That's around the time when I started getting pretty into typing up very important things on the computer. Pretty sure it's sung to a tune similar to "Rock around the clock." However, considering the operative use of the word 'hurl,' I probably imagined it with more of a Wayne's World type of grunge feel to it.

Childhood Scans #2: Breunhilda's Application

2009-08-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

You'll probably have to click on this image to enlarge it. I went to a private elementary school (genius alert), and this was a blank application for admission there. I must have found it and started filling out. My guess is this was in third grade, since in fourth grade the school moved to Oakland.

Name: Heimlick, Breunhilda Chclocky
This was a name I invented. I toyed with the idea of getting my name legally changed to it, but my sister told me that in order to get your name changed you had to pay ten dollars. "Do you have any idea how many pennies that is?" she elaborated. "A thousand!"

Address: Elvis Presley's Butthole, Penustown, L.I.
Again... genius alert!! Even at age 8, I took some creative liberties with the spelling of the word Penis.

Telephone: ASS-BUTT
Please call.

I'm pretty sure that despite the fact that Breunhilda didn't fill out any of the other information on the form, she had a pretty good shot at admission, don't you think?

How come...

2009-08-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

Some awe = awesome
Full of awe = awful
Both of those = describe my clothes on any given day
?

Childhood Scans #1: Penpal Desperation

2009-08-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

This is the first of what will be many scans of my childhood documents. This one is called "Penpal Desperation" for reasons that are obvious.

Don't be fooled by the light hearted drawing at the top of the page. This letter is SERIOUS. I am a nine year old with needs. Specifically - I need a penpal. desperately.

April 5, '95. What problems was I having at school that only a penpal could solve? I've racked my brain and all I could think of was that this was around the same time that this girl Pilar and I made a bunch of fake birds' nests (complete with chicken eggs painted blue that I stole from my fridge) and put them in the trees at school to fake out the other girls in our class. What did they do to deserve that? I have no idea.

I hope Aunt Helen was reassured by my fool-proof back up plan. Does anyone remember a show called U to U?

I love their crazy 1950s accents.

2009-08-05T12:46:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhCwQ8ETdoc

Yep, I'm amazing.

2009-08-02T19:04:00.001-07:00

kids these days!!

2009-07-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

holy balls dude

2009-07-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

Amazing John Darnielle quote regarding the EP Moon Colony Bloodbath:

“Some of the songs have something to do with a loose rock opera/’concept album’ idea about organ harvesting colonies on the moon and the employees thereof, who spent their off months living in secluded opulence in remote American locations. Concepts like this are actually more fun when you abandon them but leave their traces kicking around, so that’s what we did.”

Incidentally... it's really good.

RIP

2009-07-22T12:18:00.001-07:00

HAH

2009-07-13T15:05:00.001-07:00

3:03:24 PM Beata Bakhtiari: they didnt hang out last night
3:03:32 PM Beata Bakhtiari: he got too drunk to meet up
3:03:35 PM Emily Heller: ohhh no
3:03:36 PM Emily Heller: uh oh
3:03:37 PM Emily Heller: red flag
3:03:39 PM Beata Bakhtiari: word
3:03:47 PM Beata Bakhtiari: we also think he might be retarded
3:03:50 PM Emily Heller: hahahahahaha

Attention anyone who has talked to my face recently

2009-07-07T00:31:00.000-07:00

HOW DARE YOU not tell me I had three long, dark hairs growing out of my left cheek?

HOW
DARE
YOU?

i can't remember if this is the right version

2009-07-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

but oh well.

http://ia360603.us.archive.org/2/items/tmg2007-11-02.aud.flacf/tmg2007-11-02t16_64kb.mp3

so creepy. i love it.

I kinda blogged somewhere else, kinda

2009-07-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

Click that picture for proof. Or just go here: http://blog.rooftopcomedy.com/2009/07/01/attention-peons/

They won't let me embed this

2009-06-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

But whatever!!! This is a tight song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kpxNXZCLBg

10:51:07 AM annie: is that how you're feeling
10:51:26 AM Emily Heller: no that song is just tight as fuck
10:51:42 AM annie: ha
10:55:56 AM Emily Heller: deny it
10:55:57 AM Emily Heller: i dare you

Tonight, at the Dark Room

2009-06-19T14:53:00.001-07:00

This is a flyer I made for my friend Sean's birthday show tonight. He's turning 30! I'm performing! So are some others! You're invited! 10 pm at the Dark Room, 2263 Mission. As always, BYOB.

Get ready.

2009-06-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

The Way is coming. Thurs, Jun 25.

Conan

2009-06-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

I've finally been catching up with Conan O'Brien on the Tonight Show and it's cracking me up. Check out this Craigslist segment he did. The guy hey meet reminds me of this hoarder who I met in Santa Cruz when Brad and I responded to a craigslist post about a free pallet of books. Totally nutso.

This was followed by an incredibly weird Norm MacDonald interview, where he just told classic joke book jokes but pretended they were anecdotes. Pretty amazing. I also just watched the Eddie Murphy episode, which had another ridiculously funny segment, impressive in the same way as the first one (Conan doing field stuff and improvising a lot, a combination of him being intentionally hilarious and the people he's talking to being unintentionally hilarious. I'm spelling it out too much. I'm sorry).

crazy go nuts

2009-06-10T09:35:00.001-07:00

HEY everybody, right now I live in Crazygonutsland, where everything is crazy and we all go nuts. Here's a picture of it:

crazy go nuts

2009-06-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

HEY everybody, right now I live in Crazygonutsland, where everything is crazy and we all go nuts. Here's a picture of it:

crazy go nuts

2009-06-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

HEY everybody, right now I live in Crazygonutsland, where everything is crazy and we all go nuts. Here's a picture of it:

2009-06-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

I've gotten at least 80 emails in the past hour from people demanding to know more information about me. Apparently my recent blog posts have been too obscure for some people. These requests only barely outnumber the ones I've gotten asking me to stop blogging altogether, but this is a democracy. So, by incredibly popular demand, here are some things you might not know about me:
- I am psychic. Ask my mom! emilysmom@dinosaur-penis-pumps.gov
- I have amazing will power. When I was twelve I quit eating boogers, cold turkey, and I recently began eating spicy foods which I previously did not like. You can therefore deduce that my boogers are not spicy. Math!
- My hair has caught on fire four times. Twice it was my fault, once it was my sister's friend Megan's fault, and once it was Idil's fault.
- I have a job.
- In the past five years, I have moved nine times. I believe I have also lived in a mansion, apartment, shack, and house. Maybe not a mansion. But almost!
- My favorite area of a man's surface is the shoulder (hairless, please).

Nothing surprises me anymore

2009-06-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

and it all makes sense, and then also, no sense at all.

crazy go nuts

2009-06-05T12:21:00.001-07:00

HEY everybody, right now I live in Crazygonutsland, where everything is crazy and we all go nuts. Here's a picture of it:

crazy go nuts

2009-06-04T14:53:00.001-07:00

HEY everybody, right now I live in Crazygonutsland, where everything is crazy and we all go nuts. Here's a picture of it:

crazy go nuts

2009-06-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

HEY everybody, right now I live in Crazygonutsland, where everything is crazy and we all go nuts. Here's a picture of it:

crazy go nuts

2009-06-04T00:29:00.000-07:00

HEY everybody, right now I live in Crazygonutsland, where everything is crazy and we all go nuts. Here's a picture of it:

crazy go nuts

2009-06-04T00:28:00.001-07:00

HEY everybody, right now I live in Crazygonutsland, where everything is crazy and we all go nuts. Here's a picture of it:

crazy go nuts

2009-06-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

HEY everybody, right now I live in Crazygonutsland, where everything is crazy and we all go nuts. Here's a picture of it:

What is going on?

2009-06-03T01:17:00.000-07:00

With you? I want to know.

New York

2009-05-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

Just got back from an amazing vacation in New York City. The purpose of the trip was to visit my sister and accompany Allison as she moves there for good. Along the way I also managed to see tons of friends, visit a homie in Connecticut, see some TV shows and a comedy show and meet a lot of new people and film a video with my sister and generally decide to move there eventually.

The point of this post is to both say that I had a really good time/thanks to everyone for kicking it but ALSO to say that I am still residually hungover and music is totally blowing my mind right now. Not anything specifically. Just music. In general.

Archy and Mehitabel

2009-05-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up there was a decaying old hardcover book on my shelf that had belonged to my mother when she was young, called Archy and Mehitabel. I never picked it up. Then my friend Rachael gave me a paperback copy for my college graduation a year and a half ago. It's a book of poems written by a cockroach named Archy about himself and his friend Mehitabel, an alley cat who claims to be reincarnated from Cleopatra. Here's a poem I read in there today:

the lesson of the moth

By Don Marquis, in "archy and mehitabel," 1927

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

archy

It's a good book with nice cartoons. I recommend it.

What?

2009-05-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

I just ate a lollipop that was Mystery Flavor. Wait, no - ARTIFICIAL mystery flavor. Because real mysteries are poisonous. I'd like to see the lawsuit that led to that one.

P.S. It was just strawberry.
P.P.S. My mouth is burning now.

Manbabies

2009-05-04T13:20:00.001-07:00

Weird. The planets have aligned to bring you these two distinct manbaby memes.

First, from Manbabies.com:
And second, from this AMAZING website that I happen to work at, one of the funniest videos I've seen in a while:
rooftopcomedy.com/watch/manbabies
(sorry no embed)

Everyone has been sending me this

2009-04-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

Two different lovely women sent me this video in the past couple days:

Bea Arthur was so amazing. Such depth of feeling in that performance. That episode centered around Dorothy being in a lonely slump and Blanche taking her out to her favorite bar to get her socializing again. She sits there awkwardly, unable to connect with anyone for a bit before she starts singing along with the pianist.

I can't help but notice the similarity in sentiment between that song and this one:

Same central question: What do I do?

Such a common, simple question but it bears articulating anyway. Mostly because articulating is the only thing you can do about feeling that wondering, especially in the face of emptiness or change. I don't know what's ahead of me right now and while I enjoy that feeling, there is a big scary question mark on everything, too. I hate adulthood. But I love Bea Arthur. And I love the Mountain Goats. And both of those videos make me feel a little less alone.

God I'm so emo right now.

has anyone seen this video?

2009-04-27T23:01:00.001-07:00

it's really good!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g

Bea Arthur

2009-04-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

I know everyone wants me to comment about the death of Bea Arthur, but what is there to say? She was an amazing comic actress with a plethora of brave, funny, and yet, mainstream feminist roles. What an awesome lady, funny right up until the day she died.

What is happening to the world?

2009-04-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

I just heard a Joanna Newsom song in a Victoria's Secret commercial, and saw an Eleanor Roosevelt quote used in an ad for Botox.

Ummmmmm...

What?

2009-03-23T15:26:00.001-07:00

http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/events/aspen/peopleschoice/CampbellAspenShowcase

My work is amazing

2009-03-19T14:17:00.000-07:00

2:07:20 PM Chris: ok, so i have them all in a FCP project timeline
2:07:38 PM Chris: i guess we just need to wait for colin to make some final whatever on the order and VO?
2:07:55 PM Emily Heller: okay... do you have the order listed anywhere other than in fcp?
2:08:27 PM Chris: well i just separated them by those categories
2:08:30 PM Chris: in order
2:08:35 PM Chris: which is alphabetical
2:09:45 PM Emily Heller: were you able to get the fart/poo jokes inbetween the fart section and the poo section?
2:10:02 PM Chris: yes
2:10:11 PM Emily Heller: sweet
2:12:40 PM Chris: wait
2:12:46 PM Chris: what is the order again?
2:13:02 PM Chris: bathroom, fart, barf, pee, poo, jizz, gross?
2:13:09 PM Chris: butt
2:13:11 PM Chris: where's that?
2:15:30 PM Chris: bathroom, period, dick, dick/butt, butt,
2:16:24 PM Emily Heller: and then poo pee jizz fart?
2:16:29 PM Chris: yes
2:16:32 PM Chris: yeah

Five funny fingernails

2009-03-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

Everyone please come to my new comedy show plz

photoshop

2009-02-28T01:08:00.000-08:00

hah

2009-02-24T13:21:00.000-08:00

"My mom used to take us a lot to the comedy clubs in Reno, because of all the casinos, but they always booked the shittiest, hackiest comics. Essentially, the first guy would be awful, and the second guy would be some up-and-comer who was just getting booked as a middler, but good, and we'd crack up and go, 'God this is funny!' But then you'd have this old codger, like a 60-year old dude who played some weird character and would just eat his own balls for an hour. It was like, 'Oh, kill me!' So I associated stand-up with that."

- David Huntsberger, 2006

Mac attack!!

2009-02-24T12:48:00.000-08:00

Reminiscing about 2008, watching some old campaign videos. Czech this sucker out.

2009-02-13T12:10:00.001-08:00

Feminizm

2009-02-04T18:34:00.000-08:00

http://www.hulu.com/watch/55997/the-colbert-report-tue-feb-3-2009?c=352:387

2009-02-04T16:03:00.001-08:00

Dog town

2009-02-03T16:01:00.000-08:00

From the Youtube description: "So these dogs are at a party or something and one dog tries to rape Queenie."

Sent to me by my dad.

TONIGHT! The kickoff!

2009-01-29T12:09:00.000-08:00

Stumble Upon

2009-01-22T14:20:00.000-08:00

Because I always have a shitload of tabs open in Mozilla, and because my tabs are close to my 'thumbs up' and 'thumbs down' buttons for Stumble Upon, I accidentally gave the "I like it!" thumbs up to my web-based GoDaddy work email and the thumbs down to Facebook.

Tonik Health Insurance Customer Service On Hold Help Advice from Emily Heller

2009-01-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long title but I want this to be as searchable as possible since I have some valuable information for anyone who is wondering why they are sitting on the Tonik Health Insurance (as Consumerist aptly describes, the "Poochie" of health insurance) help line for two hours like I did yesterday, listening to the automated menu run through your options over and over again, concluding by saying "To speak directly with a representative, please continue to hold."

DO NOT CONTINUE TO HOLD.

I was on hold with them for two. hours. TWO. HOURS. Finally I gave up and selected one of the menu options. No, I did not have 'questions about my account.' I had a STATEMENT about my account, that I wanted to CANCEL it. I compromised and pressed 2 anyway and was connected to a representative in about two minutes.

WTF.

The point is, if you are on hold with Tonik... choose a menu option. Do not continue to hold. They will not answer. I learned this the hard way so that you don't have to.

Love actually,
Emily Heller

Emily Heller's Job History Vol. 1

2009-01-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

Hate to ruin the fact that I had exactly 69 blog posts before this one, but since I have a real job now I'd like to look back on my long and storied "job" history up to this point. This chapter is called: I drove an ice cream van for 1 (one) day in Portland.

Being only a temporary citizen of the great city of Portland, Oregon, I looked for the oddest jobs I could. Craigslist alerted me to the amazing opportunity to drive an enormous white, windowless van around a city I didn't know at all in search of children (not creepy at all), dig around with my bare hands in coolers maintained by chunks of dry ice wrapped in single sheets of newspaper, and shill frozen dairy products to children whose parents hated me. All this for a small commission and no gas reimbursement. I worked for six hours and made $20.

I took some time out from my hectic schedule to give Allison a technical demonstration of my sweet, sweet van.

I did a blog post!

2009-01-13T14:46:00.001-08:00

A different one than this one. Over here.

Target Women

2009-01-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

So amazing. Mooning, feminism, it's got everything!

Don't waste your time

2009-01-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

Did you know Black Knight is a fucking dream sequence movie? So over it.

Afternoon delight

2009-01-06T15:30:00.000-08:00

3:19:36 PM Teej: n00dz plz
3:20:35 PM Emily Heller: u wanna c a pic of my cock
3:20:42 PM Teej: yes plz
3:21:10 PM Emily Heller: http://www.pinkcoyote.net/cindychicken1.jpg
3:21:23 PM Teej: i'm fapping
3:21:23 PM Teej: thx
3:24:53 PM Emily Heller: yr welcum
3:29:08 PM Teej: i came
3:29:09 PM Teej: kbai
3:29:15 PM Teej: ur tha best
3:29:18 PM Emily Heller: hi hi hi bye bye bye
Changed status to Offline (3:29:27 PM)

Am I beautiful or what?

2009-01-03T21:08:00.001-08:00

I think I'm dying. I have the flu. I figured I'd post before the NyQuil kicks in. Check the timestamp, suckers, I know it's before 9:30.

I haven't left my bed since Thursday night. Life is awesome.

FYI, the episode "Love, Rose" on season 2, disc 2 of the Golden Girls on DVD features Bea Arthur wearing the most amazing floor length crushed sea foam velvet tuxedo shirt/skirt combo I have ever seen.

Mark your calendars...

2008-12-29T16:45:00.000-08:00

Hot Ham N Cheese

2008-12-23T15:07:00.001-08:00

What's it all mean?

Rainbow toolbar!

2008-12-23T12:43:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-21T15:18:00.000-08:00

And Hannukah. Hanukkah. I don't know. We made latkes last night and today I made them for myself. If you're wondering what to get me this year, all I want is a deep fryer. Here is what I would cook in it:
- fries
- zucchini broccoli cauliflower
- donuts
- everything I eat

Who am I kidding. Just get me the Golden Girls. I'll figure out a way to fry that shit MacGyver style (JK I already did).

Wow.

2008-12-08T16:12:00.000-08:00

Maybe I've been living under a rock but I didn't hear about Cake Wrecks until today. Oh. My. God.

I don't know what to say.

cakewrecks.blogspot.com

More photoshop

2008-12-01T08:09:00.001-08:00

I should have payed closer attention

2008-11-29T00:13:00.001-08:00

...to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade! I missed this:

An amazing comment on a youtube video

2008-11-18T17:09:00.000-08:00

From this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ns6ypkfg9dM

ill give your wack ass a big FUCK YOU
U SUCK WOMP WOMP to the left and a slow
womp womp waaaa to the right and exit you so i look like a car but off the stage.
boooo u dont even get tomato thrown at you u get a crumb and old farts!

Gay? On facebook? Canada wants you.

2008-11-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

So apparently Canada is way into the gays right now. Here's an ad from facebook:

A good find...

2008-11-14T17:17:00.000-08:00

http://www.archive.org/details/tmg2007-09-21

Last track on this show... a particularly riveting performance of "Houseguest," a live MG favorite.

Enjoy, bitches!

more photoshop

2008-11-04T11:18:00.001-08:00

2008-11-03T15:30:00.000-08:00

Love love love Photoshop

2008-11-03T11:38:00.000-08:00

I AM BEAUTIFUL

HALLOWEEN!

2008-10-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

What's up spook-o-lanterns! Some Halloween things for you. First of all,

Best Halloween song ever!
Also, a spooooooooky joke to get you all spoooooooooked out!

Hope you have fun tonight! Someone tell me about some fun parties!

I'm soooo already tired of you asking me why I posted this.

2008-10-31T15:30:00.000-07:00

Vote!

2008-10-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

Two things that have made me cry today so far

2008-10-07T12:01:00.001-07:00

And yeah, I know it's only noon.

Thank you, Mario...

Donna Brazile extemporaneously awesome

Proposition 8

2008-10-02T15:19:00.002-07:00

So, why do I need to write something about how gay marriage should be legal? Shouldn't this be obvious?

Well, I want to look at what marriage is and has been in our society. Legal marriage is not, as some have argued, a sacred and unchanged institution. The ability of people to marry began as the economic transfer of the bride - as property - from her father to her husband. Additionally, in the beginnings of American society, marriage rights were denied to slaves. They couldn't even marry each other. As recently as 1967, it was illegal for people of different races to intermarry in certain states. As recently as 1990, it was legal in 40 different states to rape your wife.

Not to mention the fact that people constantly - and with the blessing of the government - abuse the institution of marriage. Vegas weddings, more than 50% divorce rate, shotgun weddings, Anna Nicole Smith marrying that old guy for his money, people marrying for citizenship. All of these things are totally legal. And yet, two women who have been together for 15 years and will be together for the rest of their lives, THEY pose a greater threat to the institution? Please.

The fact is, while people who don't like homosexuality would prefer to live in a world where gay people don't love each other, live together, and raise families together, and they might think that banning gay marriage will suddenly make everyone straight, monogamous, and Christian.... it won't. Gay people will continue to be gay, to love each other, and to live together, whether it's legal or not. So please, face it.

Making it illegal, however, DOES make it more difficult. Giving gay people only the right to civil unions rather than full marriage under the law comes with a lot of very heavy restrictions that make people's lives incredibly difficult in times of crisis. Civil unions vary from state to state, and civil unions recognized in one state are not recognized in others (as marriage is). Which means that while you and your partner may be married in one state, if you are required to leave the state for any reason, you lose all benefits that you had before.

There are, as of 1997, 1,049 legal rights that come with marriage, ranging from sick leave to care for ailing partners, shared medical insurance, and, not the least of which, medical power of attorney.

Marriage bundles these rights together because it is understood that when you marry someone, you want these things. That your lives are so connected that you want them in the hospital with you, you want to care for each other in old age, you want to share a home, you want to raise your children together, you want to protect each other (in taxes, in health insurance, in every way), you want them to make decisions for you in the hospital when you can't. Marriage bundles these rights for a reason.

And yes, while gay couples can obtain many of these rights with a lawyer, because they are NOT bundled the way they are with real marriage, it would cost them thousands of dollars in legal fees to do so, and even then it's a lot easier for third parties to challenge these claims in court. Also, it's a lot harder to show up to a hospital with a bunch of paperwork proving your right to be at the bedside of the person you love than to just show up and say, "that's my wife in there."

And yet, despite these difficulties, gay couples will continue to live together, love each other, and take care of each other the best they can despite the limitations the state puts on their efforts to do so. Despite being legally discouraged by the state. And what's the message here? The way I read it, for the state to grant rights to heterosexual couples but not gay couples IS A PUNISHMENT. It IS discrimination.

I have yet to meet anyone who does not cite biblical or other religious scripture when arguing against gay marriage. If you do oppose gay marriage, I want you to ask yourself why. Is it because you have an idea of what marriage should be? And the thought of two people of the same sex settling down together makes it hard for you to sleep at night?

I want you to consider, JUST CONSIDER, a few things:
- So long as this is a free country with separation of church and state, it is ILLEGAL and unconstitutional to deny people rights based on your religious beliefs alone. If you can't honestly support the argument against gay marriage without citing scripture, then it should not be a law in this country. If you would prefer that this were NOT a free country without separation of church and state, I suggest you please find a country whose very foundation does not contradict that sentiment.
- How will you, as a Christian, Muslim, Jew, anyone who believes in God and goodness and all of that, have an easier time sleeping at night knowing that people are suffering (yes, suffering) because of legislation you helped pass? Isn't GOD supposed to be the one handing out punishment for sins against his word?

I'll stop there. I'm not going to tell you how to interpret the bible, especially since I don't read it. But let's make a deal where YOU don't tell ME what marriage means in exchange? How about that? You can fight gay marriage with your church, you can fight gay marriage on the internet, you can tell the world how much you don't like it all the time, but would you PLEASE please PLEASE leave the state out of it?

Vote no on Proposition 8. And please pass this along to anyone you think might be voting yes.

Completely against the spirit of the last post...

2008-09-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

I am NEVER having children. Never.

I had a dream the other night that I had a baby. It was relatively painless, I recalled in the dream, nothing ripped like I thought it would, and I went to work the next day, but only did a half day, explaining, "I had a baby yesterday, so I should probably take tomorrow off." Meanwhile I had left the baby at home in a cardboard box with a towel in it, like it was a kitten or something.

And even that was a pain!How in the hell do people get anything done with children? My current inventory: I have a full time job, a stable, undemanding relationship, and ONE HOBBY. Pretty normal, right? And I still can't believe how little time I have to spend on things I really want to be doing. Much less laundry and groceries.

And if I had to take care of a CHILD on top of that? Fuggetaboudit.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS WHATSOEVER

Thanks for everything

2008-09-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

For the offspring of two very spiritual hippies, I didn't emerge from childhood with too much spirituality. I would not consider joining any religion and I don't believe in God, but I do believe that there is more out there than we know about.

What am I getting at here. Well, whether it is spiritual or mental or physical or what, there ARE a couple meditations that I really do love, both of which handed down to me from one Mr. Wavy Gravy at Camp Winnarainbow.

The first is walking the labyrinth (pictured) - not something transportable unfortunately, although you can print it out and run it with your finger (slowly) if you are feeling tense.

The other meditation/affirmation/whatever is one that Wavy used to talk about a lot, which is whenever something is going badly or wrong (or even when it's not), you should say loudly to the Universe, "Thanks for everything. I have no complaints whatsoever!"

It helps. Really. Because in the moment that you say it, it really does feel like there is nothing to complain about, only the things you love and are grateful for and the perspective on your problems that you need and deep down really have but sometimes can't access. You know?

Anyway. I just thought I'd share.

My interview with Todd Glass and Daniel Kinno

2008-09-22T16:51:00.001-07:00

So, my job is pretty cool. Partly because I get to take my shoes off and partly because I get to meet pretty accomplished comedians a lot. And a few weeks ago, I got to interview two of them - at the same time! It finally went live on the site and all I can think about is that I wish I would have just sat still for any part of it.

Anyway, here it is.

ayyy boo boo

2008-09-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

Today at the grocery store my cart locked. WHAT? in the store. The thing locked. Which, I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but your cart locking in the middle of the store is a very upsetting thing and also confusing, because do you leave it where it is? With all the food in it? Do you take your purse with you while you go get help? Do you shout for someone? Do you just shove it around ungracefully for the rest of your shopping? Do you go get a new cart, transfer all your groceries into it, and just leave your old one abandoned in the middle of frozen foods?

After a few minutes of standing around with my thumb in my ass, weighing my options, I hailed someone to help me with it. An employee came and unlocked the cart. I thinked him, and as he walked away he said, "No problem. Take care, boo."

Uhhhhhhmmmmm what? So amazing.